I'm getting worse at this blogging thing. Once upon a time, when I first started, I blogged everyday or at least multiple times a week. I guess you can say my priorities have changed. To say I've been busy lately is a HUGE understatement. My life has just been plain CHAOS for weeks and I knew some things had to change or else I was going to unravel.
I heard a talk in church awhile ago and it really hit home for me. It was based on the talk given by President Uchtdorf entitled, "Of things that matter most".
President Uchtdorf said, "If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most."
The speaker compared life to driving a car. When we are approaching a speed bump we all know we must slow down to lessen the effects it has on us and our car. If we chose to speed through it, most likely we are going to feel a lot more uncomfortable movement and possibly do some damage. Such it is with life and challenging times. When we are approaching speed bumps in our life, we must slow down, regroup and only focus on what matters most...eliminating excess wherever we can. I am horrible at this. I have always thought if I "sped" through the tough times, they'd be over sooner and I would have felt the least amount of pain or uncomfortableness.
I have learned my way was much harder and doesn't work. When I slow down, taking it one day at a time, and focus on what mattered the most, I not only got through the tough times but I am still able to be happy along the way. I'm not saying it isn't hard, but it is definitely more manageable.
Hence, the reason I stink at blogging lately. With everything I had going on, it was excess to me and I had to be put it aside for awhile. BUT, summer is here and this week is the first time in a long time I don't have ANYTHING on my calendar to do. I can't tell you how good it feels.
I'm looking forward to lazy, summer days with my kids and lots of popsicles!
Catching up...
- We moved just up the street. Originally we thought this was going to be an easy move...we were dead wrong...we were moving for two weeks.
- After we finished our move, we moved my parents out of their Park City home. I'm sick of boxes and packing tape.
- Scott's AC unit went out in his car which was a VERY pricey fix. Plus, he needed new brakes and tires. I needed new tires at the same times. When it rains, it really does pour. We had hoped to keep his car for 10 years but we are selling it one year early. It's time.
- We bought a new car and are now equipped to handle the winters here. Yeah!
- Our extended family has had some scary health challenges lately, but we are very blessed and hope to continue to have positive outcomes.
-We finished gymnastics and school.
- Scott's work is picking up speed which we are grateful for, but with growth comes more work and more stresses. So lucky I married such a smart guy!
- My last week of counseling is next week. I'm sad. I really like my counselor and have learned so much in such a short period of time. I've worked hard on myself these last few months and I think I have a lot to show for it.
June 4, 2012
April 27, 2012
Hello again
Man, it's been a really long time since I've posted. Wish I had a good excuse. I don't. Just life and all that goes along with it.
Let's play catch-up.
Scott is busy with Mrs. Call's. Who knew the candy business would be so good to us? Actually, Scott did. I'm so proud of him for knowing what he wanted and not giving up until he found a way to make it possible. We thank our Heavenly Father every night for the opportunities we've been given and mostly for helping us to find a way to stay in this quiet, little valley that we've grown to love so much. Scott really enjoys what he is doing and we can't ask for anything more than that.
Caden is almost done with first grade. He's become quite the little reader, although his strongest subjects are math and spelling. He's so much like his dad, very logical and a negotiator through and through. He is such a good boy. He asked for an alarm clock this year, which he got. Every morning at 7 o'clock when it goes off he promptly gets up, gets himself dressed, usually makes his own breakfast and brushes his teeth...ALL WITHOUT BEING TOLD! He makes my life easier in so many ways.
Then there's Abbie. She couldn't be more different than her brother. Usually when I describe her I use the words "handful". But one day I know I am going to be able to fully appreciate her strong spirit and crazy personality. She is hard, but she is also the most loving little girl who spreads sunshine wherever she goes. She has her own sense of style and she isn't afraid to express it. We argue daily over what is acceptable to wear out of the house. She usually wears me down and leaves the house in the most ridiculous outfits. She is a social butterfly (like her mama) and loves preschool, gymnastics and sugar.
Then there's me. Most days I can be found in my workout clothes hours after my workout is over, working at the computer, folding laundry, cleaning toilets, making meals, cuddling kids or helping with homework. Sometimes I wish my life was more glamorous or fun, but I would never give up what I have for anything. The peace, security and happiness I feel every single day is so much better than a week in Hawaii.
I'm learning a lot lately, mostly about my relationship with God. I'm still amazed at his love for me. Although I have a hard time comprehending it, I am grateful he knows each of us as the individuals we are and the needs we each have. Our family made a goal to read the scriptures every night. Sure we've attempted many times in the past, but this time we're really trying. Man, it was hard at first. It's hard to feel the spirit when Abbie is running circles around the couch and it takes Caden a REALLY long time to get through one verse, but we keep at it. Our family has been blessed because of our efforts. Not just an added measure of the Spirit in our home (which is welcomed and we're grateful for), but real tangible blessings that have left me with no doubt that God is aware of us.
I've been struggling a bit lately. It appears some of my anxiety and OCD behaviors have reared their ugly heads again. I've decided this is my challenge in life. Some people struggle with marital problems, finances or the loss of a loved one but for me this is going to be my life-long challenge and I'm finally accepting it. I'm doing whatever I can on my end which includes going back to a therapist. I'm actually excited. I've been told there is a specific type of therapy that will help me learn to control my thoughts and actions better. Yeah, there is hope for us crazies! I know there are some that think I should keep these sorts of things private or at least not be so open or joke about it, like this is something I shouldn't be "proud" of. Let me clarify, I am not proud of this weakness of mine by any means, that's not why I share this information. I share it because for years I felt embarrassed, different and scared to admit I was flawed in this way. However, when I stopped pretending and started to let people in, really in, they saw this flaw in my personality and could relate to it. Turns out, I'm not that different from other wives and moms after all. Most of us have the same fears and anxieties, I'm just not as good at working through them. Sharing has helped me realize I'm actually pretty normal and for those few areas where I might be a bit abnormal, there's plenty I can do to make myself better. In all seriousness, I really am grateful for this challenge and what it has taught me. On more than one occasion, when I've found myself in a dark and lonely place, I have gotten on my knees and pleaded with God for help. And every single time my prayers have been answered quickly, offering the relief and love that I needed in those moments. I hope I never forget these experiences, they've been life changing for me.
So, I am here, and alive. Just working on me and my family a little bit each day and so far we're making good progress.
Let's play catch-up.
Scott is busy with Mrs. Call's. Who knew the candy business would be so good to us? Actually, Scott did. I'm so proud of him for knowing what he wanted and not giving up until he found a way to make it possible. We thank our Heavenly Father every night for the opportunities we've been given and mostly for helping us to find a way to stay in this quiet, little valley that we've grown to love so much. Scott really enjoys what he is doing and we can't ask for anything more than that.
Caden is almost done with first grade. He's become quite the little reader, although his strongest subjects are math and spelling. He's so much like his dad, very logical and a negotiator through and through. He is such a good boy. He asked for an alarm clock this year, which he got. Every morning at 7 o'clock when it goes off he promptly gets up, gets himself dressed, usually makes his own breakfast and brushes his teeth...ALL WITHOUT BEING TOLD! He makes my life easier in so many ways.
So, I am here, and alive. Just working on me and my family a little bit each day and so far we're making good progress.
February 21, 2012
A Teaching Moment
My heart is broken.
My little guy made a bad decision this weekend. A mistake that most kids experience at some point while growing up, but nonetheless, a bad choice. After having a suspicion, I confronted him and demanded an answer. When he didn't respond I practically dragged the confession out of him with guilt, force and lots of scolding. This may sound dramatic, but the truth is I wanted to believe my kid wasn't like every other kid. I wanted him to be perfect, the ideal child. We read scriptures every night, we have family prayer and talk a lot about right and wrong in our home. He knew better, so what did this all mean? Had we failed him as parents? Was there some sort of concerning behavioral pattern starting to develop? Should I start looking for a child therapist? I know, I know, over the top, but in the moment these were truly my thoughts. I'm new at this.
I'm a terrible mother.
After sending him to his room and having a few minutes to calm down I started to think more rationally. Of course he's a good kid. He's the same little boy who's praises I was singing for being so obedient and good a few days earlier. He made a mistake. We all do. And I certainly should never be the one to cast the first stone, I've messed up plenty. I felt a sense of peace well up inside of me and the thought popped into my mind that this was a very important teaching moment and not to miss out on it by letting my anger and pride get the best of me.
I returned to his room and asked if we could talk. Our conversation was too tender for me to write down but he said things like, "my heart is broken because I chose to listen to Satan, I feel really bad inside" and "I think I need to pray to Heavenly Father and ask him to forgive me". I could tell his heart really was broken because of the mistake he made, the remorse was obvious. I didn't need to beat up on him with my harsh words and tone, he was disappointed enough for the both of us. We started to talk about repentance and I was surprised that he already understood the process and the importance of it. So we talked about the application of it rather than starting from scratch. What a HUGE confirmation to me that children really do listen in primary and family home evening! I told him about a time when I made the same mistake and how bad I felt inside. I also told him that when I repented, I felt happy again and I knew that he would be happy again too when he fixed his mistakes. He cried the entire time we talked, I did too.
My heart was broken for him. But I was so grateful for the prompting I received on how to handle the situation. I've always had a testimony of and been grateful for the Atonement in my life but today it meant something different to me. I needed to have faith in it because my son was hurting from a bad choice he made that I couldn't fix for him. This was between him and the Lord and repentance took on a whole new meaning and significance to me. I'm so grateful for this experience. I'm grateful I was able to listen to the sweet prayer he offered and for the tender Spirit that was in the room. I'm grateful that he remembered the things he had been taught in our home and at church. I'm grateful there is repentance and this little mistake will not define him, but give him experience and courage to try harder and be better.
Today, after doing everything he could to right his wrong, I asked him how he felt. He smiled and told me, "my heart has been taped back together". He really is a good kid.
"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things now." - Richard G. Scott
My little guy made a bad decision this weekend. A mistake that most kids experience at some point while growing up, but nonetheless, a bad choice. After having a suspicion, I confronted him and demanded an answer. When he didn't respond I practically dragged the confession out of him with guilt, force and lots of scolding. This may sound dramatic, but the truth is I wanted to believe my kid wasn't like every other kid. I wanted him to be perfect, the ideal child. We read scriptures every night, we have family prayer and talk a lot about right and wrong in our home. He knew better, so what did this all mean? Had we failed him as parents? Was there some sort of concerning behavioral pattern starting to develop? Should I start looking for a child therapist? I know, I know, over the top, but in the moment these were truly my thoughts. I'm new at this.
I'm a terrible mother.
After sending him to his room and having a few minutes to calm down I started to think more rationally. Of course he's a good kid. He's the same little boy who's praises I was singing for being so obedient and good a few days earlier. He made a mistake. We all do. And I certainly should never be the one to cast the first stone, I've messed up plenty. I felt a sense of peace well up inside of me and the thought popped into my mind that this was a very important teaching moment and not to miss out on it by letting my anger and pride get the best of me.
I returned to his room and asked if we could talk. Our conversation was too tender for me to write down but he said things like, "my heart is broken because I chose to listen to Satan, I feel really bad inside" and "I think I need to pray to Heavenly Father and ask him to forgive me". I could tell his heart really was broken because of the mistake he made, the remorse was obvious. I didn't need to beat up on him with my harsh words and tone, he was disappointed enough for the both of us. We started to talk about repentance and I was surprised that he already understood the process and the importance of it. So we talked about the application of it rather than starting from scratch. What a HUGE confirmation to me that children really do listen in primary and family home evening! I told him about a time when I made the same mistake and how bad I felt inside. I also told him that when I repented, I felt happy again and I knew that he would be happy again too when he fixed his mistakes. He cried the entire time we talked, I did too.
My heart was broken for him. But I was so grateful for the prompting I received on how to handle the situation. I've always had a testimony of and been grateful for the Atonement in my life but today it meant something different to me. I needed to have faith in it because my son was hurting from a bad choice he made that I couldn't fix for him. This was between him and the Lord and repentance took on a whole new meaning and significance to me. I'm so grateful for this experience. I'm grateful I was able to listen to the sweet prayer he offered and for the tender Spirit that was in the room. I'm grateful that he remembered the things he had been taught in our home and at church. I'm grateful there is repentance and this little mistake will not define him, but give him experience and courage to try harder and be better.
Today, after doing everything he could to right his wrong, I asked him how he felt. He smiled and told me, "my heart has been taped back together". He really is a good kid.
"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things now." - Richard G. Scott
February 3, 2012
Stuck
I feel stuck.
Miss Priss is 3 1/2, Bubba is almost 7. It's no secret I like my kiddies spread out a bit. I've never let other peoples' opinions sway me in this area of my life. For some, more is truly merrier. For others, like me, not so much.
In the past few years this topic of conversation has always ended with me saying, "I am not even close to being baby hungry" and "It's gonna be quite awhile". I have reasons for waiting... some emotional, mental, physical and some financial. Being self-employed in the state of Utah means being willing to pay cash for a baby (c-sections are quoted at around $15,000 and that is if everything goes as planned) or pay a ridiculous amount of money to an insurance company for really crappy coverage. The numbers aren't important. Here's my point...
I'm not saying I am ready for another baby. But, the reality is I am turning 32 in a few days and I am feeling the need to at least make a plan. This need for a plan has given me more anxiety than I care to deal with these last few weeks. For the first time in years I am actually thinking about it but the lack of options is discouraging.
We're taught to be self-reliant, responsible with our finances and stay out of debt. We're also taught to multiply and replenish the earth. I want to do both. Unfortunately, that is pretty much impossible to do right now. Some people throw caution to the wind and tell me to have more faith and things will all work out. I hate that answer. I have faith and I know Heavenly Father continues to bless my life everyday but I don't necessarily think all of my financial obligations disappear with a baby or somehow they are less stressful because I have a precious newborn to cuddle. Financial stress can be very hard on a family too, especially when self-imposed and with no reasonable plan. I also don't want to be the person that allows worldly concerns to shape the person I have become or the size of my family.
See my dilemma? Do I ignore the stirrings inside of me and wait until we have a plan that we are comfortable with? Or do I go against everything I believe about being financially responsible and simply hope it works out?
While organizing my thoughts and writing this all out, I think I know what my answer is. I'm gonna sit with it for a few days and see how it feels.
Apparently, blogging can be as therapeutic and insightful as some claim. Who knew?
Anyone care to share their thoughts or experiences?
Miss Priss is 3 1/2, Bubba is almost 7. It's no secret I like my kiddies spread out a bit. I've never let other peoples' opinions sway me in this area of my life. For some, more is truly merrier. For others, like me, not so much.
In the past few years this topic of conversation has always ended with me saying, "I am not even close to being baby hungry" and "It's gonna be quite awhile". I have reasons for waiting... some emotional, mental, physical and some financial. Being self-employed in the state of Utah means being willing to pay cash for a baby (c-sections are quoted at around $15,000 and that is if everything goes as planned) or pay a ridiculous amount of money to an insurance company for really crappy coverage. The numbers aren't important. Here's my point...
I'm not saying I am ready for another baby. But, the reality is I am turning 32 in a few days and I am feeling the need to at least make a plan. This need for a plan has given me more anxiety than I care to deal with these last few weeks. For the first time in years I am actually thinking about it but the lack of options is discouraging.
We're taught to be self-reliant, responsible with our finances and stay out of debt. We're also taught to multiply and replenish the earth. I want to do both. Unfortunately, that is pretty much impossible to do right now. Some people throw caution to the wind and tell me to have more faith and things will all work out. I hate that answer. I have faith and I know Heavenly Father continues to bless my life everyday but I don't necessarily think all of my financial obligations disappear with a baby or somehow they are less stressful because I have a precious newborn to cuddle. Financial stress can be very hard on a family too, especially when self-imposed and with no reasonable plan. I also don't want to be the person that allows worldly concerns to shape the person I have become or the size of my family.
See my dilemma? Do I ignore the stirrings inside of me and wait until we have a plan that we are comfortable with? Or do I go against everything I believe about being financially responsible and simply hope it works out?
While organizing my thoughts and writing this all out, I think I know what my answer is. I'm gonna sit with it for a few days and see how it feels.
Apparently, blogging can be as therapeutic and insightful as some claim. Who knew?
Anyone care to share their thoughts or experiences?
January 25, 2012
Feels Like Home
About time. After weeks of talk, I finally found a few free minutes to create a new blog for myself and my family. To be honest, the hardest part was picking a name.
I really just wanted "Feels Like Home" for a few reasons.
First, it was mine and Scott's wedding song. Not a popular one by any means, but the words were right on and every time I heard it, I thought about the calming peace Scott brought into my life. He saved me in many ways.
Second, one of the biggest compliments I have ever been given was by a girlfriend that would come over to my house, immediately grab my throw blanket, curl up on the couch and relax like she was in her own home. She did this every time and once she told me that she loves coming to my home because she finds it warm, welcoming and comfortable. A place where she can leave her worries at the door and breathe a little easier. She felt better when she came to my home. It made me feel so good to know I could provide that atmosphere for someone who needed it. I've remembered her comment all these years later and it has somewhat shaped the person I strive to be.
I want people to feel at home with me. I don't like small talk, it makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather get to know you, the real you. If it's a great day, I'd love to hear why. Let me share your excitement! If it's one of those days when everything feels wrong and you want to scream at the top of your lungs or punch something but you're trying to hold it together, tell me how I can help. Because, in my opinion, if we can't share who we really are with our friends (even the ugly stuff), than what good is having friends?
I try REALLY HARD not to be fake, especially on my blog. I've mentioned before how the blogging world can be a bit deceiving, everyone's lives looking so perfect when in reality we all got issues and messes we hide in our closets. My life is full of messes but there's lots of beauty in between those messes and I'm not afraid to own any of it. My messes humble me, make me more compassionate and real. When "Feels Like Home" wasn't available for my blog, I decided to keep my old blog name too (Hectic and Happy) because if you come to my home on any given day, that's what you'll find. Chaos, noise, messes AND happy people.
This new blog will be full of my messes AND my beautiful moments. It will be my life, unscripted and uncensored. And I hope for those of you that decide to stop in every now and then it will feel familiar, you'll feel comfortable here and you'll feel like you're home.
I really just wanted "Feels Like Home" for a few reasons.
First, it was mine and Scott's wedding song. Not a popular one by any means, but the words were right on and every time I heard it, I thought about the calming peace Scott brought into my life. He saved me in many ways.
Second, one of the biggest compliments I have ever been given was by a girlfriend that would come over to my house, immediately grab my throw blanket, curl up on the couch and relax like she was in her own home. She did this every time and once she told me that she loves coming to my home because she finds it warm, welcoming and comfortable. A place where she can leave her worries at the door and breathe a little easier. She felt better when she came to my home. It made me feel so good to know I could provide that atmosphere for someone who needed it. I've remembered her comment all these years later and it has somewhat shaped the person I strive to be.
I want people to feel at home with me. I don't like small talk, it makes me uncomfortable. I'd rather get to know you, the real you. If it's a great day, I'd love to hear why. Let me share your excitement! If it's one of those days when everything feels wrong and you want to scream at the top of your lungs or punch something but you're trying to hold it together, tell me how I can help. Because, in my opinion, if we can't share who we really are with our friends (even the ugly stuff), than what good is having friends?
I try REALLY HARD not to be fake, especially on my blog. I've mentioned before how the blogging world can be a bit deceiving, everyone's lives looking so perfect when in reality we all got issues and messes we hide in our closets. My life is full of messes but there's lots of beauty in between those messes and I'm not afraid to own any of it. My messes humble me, make me more compassionate and real. When "Feels Like Home" wasn't available for my blog, I decided to keep my old blog name too (Hectic and Happy) because if you come to my home on any given day, that's what you'll find. Chaos, noise, messes AND happy people.
This new blog will be full of my messes AND my beautiful moments. It will be my life, unscripted and uncensored. And I hope for those of you that decide to stop in every now and then it will feel familiar, you'll feel comfortable here and you'll feel like you're home.
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